Every now and then, my daughters would come up with a request or idea that they need me to support (mentally, physically, financially, or all of the above).
Honestly, many of these are things that I just don’t feel like dealing with, but my daughters are persistent.
And so I find myself having to explain to them why I can’t or won’t go with their idea. “Because I’m your mother and I said so” is the last resort, and when I get to using it everyone is frustrated. It’s not the outcome that I want.
Instead, what I found that works is going with them into the details of what it takes and what are the implications of their ideas. Oftentimes, they understand on their own why it’s not a good idea. Other times, they don’t like it but they understand why I say no. And sometimes they manage to convince me to go with it.
When it happens, it’s after we’ve gone through all the objections that I had and they were able to present good answers as to why I shouldn’t be worried about this or that. In many cases, these answers weren’t there to begin with, which means that instead of choosing between a hard yes or no, when we agree on something, we have created a new solution that works for everyone.
In our professional lives as product leaders, we have to say no all the time. It’s a skill that you need to master, and it’s a fine balance between staying loyal to your principles and maintaining good relationships with the people you work with.
Saying no can be especially challenging when you need to say no to your boss – be it the CEO or anyone else. It requires a whole new level of navigating the conversation since here there is another consideration to take into account: They need to be able to give their own direction, it’s part of their job.
Here is the best way I found to work well with your boss, even when you completely disagree with them.
Aim for a Yes
As counterintuitive as it may sound, the best no comes after you’ve tried really hard to say yes. But if you go beyond that initial confusion, it actually makes sense.
Put yourself in your boss’s shoes. You have an idea. You are pretty sure it’s a good one, even if it’s just intuition. You tell someone that you want them to do it. You might be open for a discussion (even if you speak about it with complete certainty), but when that someone – who is reporting to you – just says ‘no’, there are a number of conclusions you can get to: Either they didn’t understand you (and don’t even understand that it’s their problem), or they don’t want to follow your guidance. In other words, these employees are either incapable or unwilling – none of these are what you want your boss to think of you, and in most cases, you truly aren’t that. But your boss doesn’t know that.
Instead, if you go a long way to try and give them what they want, they will see you as their partner. And their partner is in a much better position to convince them that their idea is not a good one.
Trying hard to say yes means following these steps:
- Listen, for real.
- Understand what they wanted and why (what problem they are trying to solve)
- Make sure they understand that you understand them.
- Debate the problem – do you agree that it’s a good one to solve?
- Understand what you disagree on: The importance of the problem? The suggested solution? The timing?
- Debate these clearly. Don’t say ‘no’ if what you really want to say is ‘yes, but I think we should wait’.
- Suggest an alternative that they can accept and satisfies you too.
Now put yourself in your boss’s shoes again. Wouldn’t that be a path you would be willing to take? Would you feel your employee is with or against you?
Assuming you agree it’s a good idea, here are some additional skills you would need to be able to do it well.
Apply Radical Listening
Simply put, radical listening means trying to understand why the other person is right, at least from their point of view.
To do it well, you need to put aside any judgment and criticism, but also the natural debate that runs in your head whenever you hear someone and you immediately think whether you agree or disagree. You already think about what you are going to say and how to navigate the discussion to where you want to be.
Turn all of these off.
Instead, focus solely on listening, and ask clarifying questions to make sure you understand. Try to make sense of what they tell you. Think of possible reasons that make what they say logical and reasonable. Try to find out why they are right.
Then, tell them in your own words what you understood, without any judgment. Explain it in a respectful way, that would make them feel understood. Then, ask them if you got it right.
It could be something like “So, if I understand you correctly, you believe that our biggest threat is X, and that in order to be ready for it we need to do Y, since you believe that would lead to Z. Did I get that right?”
Sometimes they will say yes, sometimes they will clarify, and in some cases, they will acknowledge that it’s what they said but when you put it that way it doesn’t necessarily make sense. That’s an opening for a discussion, and you can help them understand themselves better.
Trust Yourself
Sometimes, in the attempt to stay loyal to your principles and not just adhere to whatever your boss tells you, you are on constant defense. You wouldn’t be letting any new idea progress – even at the discussion level – if you don’t think it’s the right thing to do.
If you find yourself saying ‘no’ a lot, or getting feedback that you need to bring a can-do attitude, this might be it.
When I coach product leaders, they sometimes tell me that they don’t say no, they always raise the pros and cons and mention that it’s a tough decision to make.
While on the surface they are not saying ‘no’, in practice they do, just not in so many words. Saying that there are many things to consider is actually telling the other person that you are not yet willing to go with them. It puts you on opposite sides.
To be able to put the ‘it’s complicated’ thought aside, you must trust yourself.
Remember that you can always say ‘no’ later. Right now, decisions are not being made. It’s an exploration process. Give yourself the freedom to discuss options without being threatened by them.
Trust yourself that if you bring enough value, people will value your opinion, and perhaps even more so when it comes after you were willing to consider theirs.
Be Willing to Think It Through
These complicated situations where you find yourself needing to stand your ground often arise when complex decisions need to be made.
If there is a simple solution that satisfies everyone, you would have raised it already and everyone would have accepted it.
It is these grey areas, with no right or wrong answers, that are often the most challenging.
As such, you must be willing to think things through. Don’t look for straightforward answers, because there most likely aren’t any.
Instead, take your time to create a unified point of view – one that takes into consideration both what you heard and understood from your boss, and what you thought originally.
Work out a way to describe the situation in a way that anyone involved finds themselves in it. In many cases when you deal with multiple people, they have multiple needs, but in most cases, they don’t contradict each other, they are just additional constraints.
Once you give room to everyone’s input, it is much easier to come up with a solution that can satisfy everyone’s needs – including yours! And since your needs are answered, you are only left with the task of getting others to agree, which would be easy since you answered their needs as well.
It’s not always easy. It requires commitment and willingness to go deep. But the solutions that come up this way are the best, and the easiest to get everyone to agree to.
